


Incongruities

by waterlit



Category: D.Gray-man
Genre: Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Not Canon Compliant, POV First Person, Romance, Tragedy, allen's POV, old fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-01
Updated: 2017-05-01
Packaged: 2018-10-14 10:59:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,289
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10535079
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/waterlit/pseuds/waterlit
Summary: They say it is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. At the end of things, Allen finds solace in the brief time he spent with Lenalee.





	

When the sun fades, your ghost will dance across the sunken lawns and descend into the darkness.

My hand stretches out; the bone-thin fingers reach out; I don't want to let go of your waveringly pale fingers.

But you fade, all the same, and I am left all alone at the window.

I have sat at this forgotten window for some years now, and I have looked upon a number of autumn twilights. And I have battled a gaping void within me for some months now. But right now, sitting in the shade of the window, looking out over the dimming world, I finally know why I feel the way I do. The darkness is falling steadily over the horizon, and I know that I miss you with all of my broken heart and all of my fragmented soul, even though I have taken your advice to follow up on my promise to Mana, _to walk on_.

The sun is setting now, and those golden-red flecks dance softly on the black stone of my window sill. And the lingering scent of your presence takes flight, soaring into the darkness under the horizon.

I still miss you, you know, Lenalee. It's been quite a few long decades since you left, but my heart has never stopped beating for you and you alone. I still remember the merry and wonderful times we had together, and every time our wedding anniversary comes around, I always remember to head to your favourite spot in the Headquarters to sit and reflect and watch the stars.

On your birthday, though, I usually have dinner with Komui, and maybe Lavi and Johnny, when they decide to drop in. They mostly do, if you've realised through your dream-esque travels to our world. On your death anniversary, I usually sneak out to a lonely field I found one fine day in my travels. What better place to remember you, and weep for you than a quiet, empty field shrouded in golden moonlight that reminds me of your loving self?

My hand stretches out to see if the wind today is as untamed as the one that came yesterday. Indeed, those silky tendrils wrap their fingers around me, and I pull my arm back, bone-cold, aching with the frost of pining and remembrance.

I can still remember the day you told me about your death sentence. We both knew then that it was the beginning of the end. I was too angry with god, with the world, even, to properly comfort you as I should have done. You didn't deserve to feel Death's breath on you yet; you were still so young, so caring, and so absolutely wonderful.

You were too good to die, too steeped in death and too fragile for this world. You were too loved to stop caring. I forgot myself for some hours. I was no longer the Destroyer of Time. I was plain old Allen who wanted to protect his beloved from Death's cold embrace.

Dead leaves, those coloured jewels, lie around the gardens of the Headquarters. I can see them, from my high perch. The chilling wind stirs them and they fly, kaleidoscope-like, to form a pretty pattern. You would have liked it, Lenalee.

But now that you've gone, I can't really do anything. I may have defeated the Earl, but I can't bring you back from the land of shadows. But you know, we all miss you here. Lavi has even written your death into a footnote of history, and he gave me a copy of his essay. I placed it with the rest of my treasures, in the bottom shelf, with your wedding ring and our portrait and other keepsakes.

This is yet another dreary evening. I reach out for Lavi's work. I want to remember the circumstances of your death, to remind myself of our once-love.

_A Footnote:_

_This record is a record of the hidden war between the exorcists blessed by god and the evil ones commanded by the Earl of Millennium, but here I must enter a short note. The Black Order has always been blessed to have good doctors and nurses attending to their charges, but of late, one matter popped up that these great hearts were unable to solve._

_Two years before the end of the war, Lenalee Lee, one of the exorcists, contracted a fatal disease while on a mission. Her caring heart caused her to care for a dying man who had no connection whatsoever to the mission at hand. The lesions on his skin oozed fluid of a puzzling variety of colours, and Lenalee Lee nursed him for a short time before his death. Unfortunately, she had an unhealed cut which came into contact with the pus._

_Her resulting disease devastated those who loved her, especially the Destroyer of Time. This disease, though, was the basis of a great love story, one that sadly ended in tragedy._

I cannot read on. The tears are already here, already flowing even as my eyes leave the page. Lenalee, oh Lenalee, you little deserved the fate that struck you so unfairly. You were such a motherly little person, so kind, so loving, almost a paragon of virtue.

But such a disease as you contracted!

_For Lenalee Lee was felled by the deadly scourge, syphilis._

* * *

The windowsill is cold.

Cold, like the icy fingers of Death… and the disappearance of everything I held and still hold dear.

Everything; what a misnomer.

Everything, for me at least, started the day we fought off the akuma on one of our missions together. We were in Europe then, if you remember, investigating disappearances in a small village on the outskirts of London, not that far from the headquarters. A little girl led us to a broken shack where moss and lichen grew on the crumbling bricks. We looked in to see a family of four staring at us with the glassiest of stares.

You shivered a little – yes, I do remember – and asked me if I thought them a little pitiful and more importantly, strange. And then we knew. It was startling, the way we both activated our Innocence at the same time, even before my eye reacted.

They burst out of their human skins at once, revealing one level four and three level threes with humanoid appearances. You were shocked, I could tell, but you never stopped fighting. You decided to distract the level four while I settled the level threes as quickly as I could. But as far as I know, you were already injured by the time I finished with the level threes. I saw it hit you to the ground, and a fiery red anger suddenly rose within me. I didn't know what was happening, but I ended up destroying the last level three in half the time it took for the rest.

Then I recalled your injuries and went over to aid you. We fought the best we could, and I tried to protect you as much as was humanely possible. I didn't want to see you hurt and bloodied. I threw my sword of exorcism at it a total of three times before it started to stagger. It took quite a bit of my strength away, I have to say. Then you kicked and I stabbed and it screeched, and it was no more.

I was relieved at the relatively short time it had taken to die. Then I heard you gasping for breathe. I was surprised and worried beyond measure. After all, you rarely panted at all. You were fit and healthy, and I was more often than not the one who ended up panting and wheezing after some physical exertion.

A part of me didn't want to turn towards you, for fear of looking Death in the eyes, but the other parts of me moved my muscles and thrust me in your direction.

You were too exhausted to speak, so I tried to dress your wounds. I could see splotches of red on your pretty sleeves. With trembling fingers I lifted your sleeves to have a better go at bandaging your arms, when I saw open ridges of broken skin, with pus the colour of the dying sun oozing out.

And there was blood. There were lots and lots of it, all staining my grimy white hands red with the anguish of centuries' worth of hate and despair. I gaped, and worried, because I thought the akuma might have hit you with their toxic bullets of hate.

"Lenalee! Were you hit? Don't worry; we're going back to the Headquarters now. You'll survive, just you wait and see."

I remember standing up to work the Ark. Through the misty years, I can still remember stumbling into the Order, with you all limp and bleeding on my back, shouting for medical aid. Then Komui came along, and I knew no more. I highly suspect they knocked me out so they could drag me to the infirmary too, because the next time I opened my tired and wordlessly leaden eyes, I found myself lying in the medical wing. I looked around for you, to reassure myself that you were still living.

There was no one. My gaze swarm as I dredged my eyes through the empty sea of pristine white.

Nothing, nothing, nothing at all.

I rose, wincing as my own injuries made their discomfort felt. Then I noticed voices coming from the adjoining room, one of those one-bed rooms made for infectious diseases and the like. I thought you might be in there, so I struggled out of my bed, wobbling my way across the slippery floor, arms reaching out ready to grab something in case I fell. The door I wrenched open with infinite haste, and I stood outside your room, ears glued to the keyhole, listening.

"Supervisor, I'm afraid that there is nothing we can do for her. Nothing at all." A grave voice was speaking – the voice belonging to the head doctor.

"Are you sure? Nothing?" Komui's voice was indistinct, but his tone was flavoured with absolute, acute misery. My heart nearly stopped then and there; I thought you were dying or dead. Had you really been hit by akuma bullets, then? It couldn't be…

"No. There is no cure that I know of, I'm really sorry, Supervisor."

"How…how long more does she have?" Komui's voice came again, this time broken with suppressed sobs laden with a piecing pain.

"It's hard to say, really. It might be anywhere from a year to a decade or two. It's hard to tell with this disease. I'd say that she has at least a year to live, judging by the appearance of these lesions. She's probably in the first stage right now."

I stiffened outside, somewhat relieved. So you hadn't been hit by the akuma after all!

But there was still a pressing problem. The way the conversation went, it sounded like you were dying. And more importantly, what were lesions? I thought about it and remembered the strange valleys and hills of broken skin I had seen on you, those dripping with blood and pus. What did that mean?

The doctor spoke again.

"I can prescribe some herbs to relieve the inflammation, but that's all I can do, really. This girl has to be watched closely, so that we know when she has passed into the second stage of infection. Don't cry, Supervisor. You need to be strong for her. She doesn't deserve this disease."

"Indeed she doesn't!" Komui cried out, sobs ringing in the stillness reigning within the silent halls. "My sweet Lenalee is such a pure girl! I will never understand how she came to contract this disease!"

"Syphilis strikes easily in this age, Supervisor. Don't cry so loudly. You may wake her."

Syphilis. I sank to the floor. Wasn't that a deadly disease that the sexually promiscuous contracted? I felt a constricting arm squeeze its way around my chest. How did you get it, Lenalee?

I wouldn't have been surprised if Master got it, but you were always too pure, too sweet to get such a vile illness. And those with syphilis would die, mostly through horrifying deaths after living the remainder of their lives as shadows of their original selves, torn apart by the grisly fingers of the illness and drifting through nightmares masquerading in the sheer apparel of night-painted reality.

Suddenly, those happy dreams I had weaved ever since entering the Order flooded my mind and then melted into ashes at my trembling feet. The happy family, you smiling in your apron, those joyful cries of children, all of them broke like glass, screeching as the heavy pieces reached the floor, screeching, screeching, till I screeched out myself.

_That which I thought was a bullet wound was a lesion of a deadly disease!_

The door opened, and Komui looked out through his misty eyes. "Allen-kun."

"I heard everything."

"So you did." He sniffed. "Come in."

"How is she?"

"Sleeping. She can fight for a while yet, don't worry." The doctor gave me an understanding smile, leaving with a pat on the head. The two of us gazed down at your sleeping form, and we broke down.

_Poor, poor Lenalee, and those who loved her._

When I fell asleep that night, my dreams were clouded with white-robed demons with red skin and hairless scalps. You came towards me, robed in white too, and we stood under the doorway for a long, long time. We stood there, hand in hand, waiting, waiting, waiting…

And then you disappeared; I was left all alone, holding on to a white arm. I dropped the arm; it rolled onto the floor, bruising as it went along. Splotches of red dotted the arm, and volcanic ridges dressed it with great vehemence. Then you came back again – robed now in pink, tendrils of red fluid slinking off your apparel.

I reached out to touch the fluid, and it came off, red and sticky. Blood. I looked at you and tried to see your wounds, but the more I pulled and tugged, the more you faded…

Like the echo of carrion cries drifting into the breeze…

You crumbled into dust.

When I woke, I padded into your medical sanctuary and took your hand in mine to confirm that you were still there, that you were not yet returned to the embrace of the earth.

But the ridges were still there, and the dust in the room made me cough.

* * *

Your illness preoccupied me for some time after, until I was forced to leave.

Komui sent me away from the Headquarters on yet another mission soon after. I had only talked to you once since our last mission together before he whisked me off with Kanda to another mission in Asia.

Somehow, missions led to more missions, and he kept me away from the Headquarters for almost half a year. He always had another exorcist or finder meet me somewhere around the globe, with instructions for my next mission. Even till now, I cannot be sure if he did this out because he had seen the seeds of my affection for you, and was trying to kill the weed of love. But deep down, I think that he did it to protect me, to protect me from loss and despair.

Or perhaps, did you tell him to send me away, so that I would not be pained by seeing you slowly decay and crumble to dust?

The months passed slowly, painfully, even. No matter who I was with, I always thought back to the day I heard about your prognosis. Kanda continued to ignore me, so it wasn't hard for me to wonder about your condition, to worry, to fret. Lavi, though, was a different story. He seemed to know why I was thinking so much about you, and he told me I should snap out of it or I would be killed by the akuma.

And so half a year passed, just like that. Did you think of me, the way I thought of you?

I was so happy when Miranda informed me that we would be going back to the Order together. I felt like an exiled prisoner returning home from remote icy wastelands; I was full of joy, and above all, pleased to be able to see you soon, glad for the friends waiting by the cosy fires, to see the suns of your eyes rekindle my soul.

It was with anticipation and joy that I walked into the Order one snowy evening. Our friends crowded around, and I forgot for a moment all the tears (and fears) that beset us.

Then I saw you. You were with the rest waiting to welcome both Miranda and I home. I remember the snow melting on my head, dripping through my fringe and tangling the sticky mess together as I gazed at you.

You were emancipated; your limbs were bone-thin, and your elbows protruded out of their hinges. Even your knees were scrunched up like an accordion, with loose skin flapping around the shrinking isles of your thighs. You must have seen the horror in my open eyes, because the next I knew, your once-shapely legs were flying away from the gathering.

I attempted to follow you, but Komui hauled me back and shook his head, a tear glinting in each eye.

I didn't see you at all the next day. After my dinner, I looked for Komui, and questioned him about you. He seemed antagonistic and kept trying to persuade me to return to me room.

" _Komui-san, do you know where Lenalee is? I haven't seen her all day!"_

" _Allen-kun, you shouldn't worry about her. Why don't you return to your room and rest?"_

" _But –"_

" _You've just returned from many missions, Allen-kun. You need a good, long rest."_

" _I'm worried about Lenalee!"_

" _You shouldn't be."_

" _Komui-san! Just tell me where she is!"_

" _Why do you care?"_

" _Just tell me, please?"_

_A sigh. "She's in her room. She's having yet another fever." A sob._

I ran to your room straightaway. You were lying in bed, eyes closed, flushed with a bright pink that was much too harsh for the paleness that coloured your skin. I sat beside you, and you opened your eyes. I was shocked to see the traces of tears in your wasted eyes.

" _How are you, Lenalee?" I reached out to stroke your head. It was hot, like a furnace blazing with unrestrained fury._

" _Allen-kun, welcome back." You smiled even in the midst of all that suffering._

" _Look, Lenalee, don't bottle it all up. Cry if you want to. I'm here for you."_

You looked at me, fresh tears glistening, and I looked at you, my heart dropping, breaking, smashing into a thousand weeping smithereens.

I took one of your feverish hands in my own colder ones, and was shocked to find that it was so much thinner than when I last touched it. Even your face had been touched and ravaged by the deadly scourge.

Where once was a healthy, pretty face, there was now a sunken mask with too-bright eyes and too-red cheeks grinning back at me with all the semblance of the devil. Even your chapped lips were cherry-red, drenched in the battle blood of an illness that I, however powerful, could not battle.

We stayed like that for an hour or two, fingers intertwined, eyes locked on each other, in silence.

Then I spoke.

" _Is this stage two?"_

" _Yes." Another smile appeared on the chilling mask of your face._

" _How long more?"_

" _I don't know… it could be anywhere from a year to a decade or more."_

" _I see."_

I looked at you again, lying against the pale bedspread, your silhouette almost melting into the sterile whiteness of the cloth. I wanted so much then to take the burden from you, to hold the heavy weights away from your thin shoulders.

But you wouldn't let me, that night. You kept everything behind that pale smiling mask, with only your nervously fidgeting hands betraying your worry. I couldn't go. I had to stay in the room with you; I needed to do it.

" _I've only been gone six months…"_

" _Yes."_

" _Will you ever fight again?"_

" _Probably, when the symptoms subside."_

" _They will subside?"_

" _Of course. What did you think?!"_

" _Oh. That's good." I found myself smiling._

" _I'll probably only be allowed to go with you, though, since you can operate the Ark. You are the only partner I can have, merely because of the fact that you can bring me back almost immediately for treatment if my symptoms act up again…"_

" _Lenalee. Try to rest."_

The talk about your symptoms cut my heart with the utmost hurt. I didn't want to think about them. I didn't want to accept the fact that you were dying.

Dying. Death. What an incongruous word, eh, Lenalee? You must have thought me silly then, and foolish.

What is death like? Do you linger in dark valleys under the twilight stars, waiting for those you know to come along? Or perhaps, do you flit about in heavenly glades, singing to the skies? I can't know that, even now, and you've never told me.

You've never once appeared to me even in my strangest dreams, even though my heart is stained crimson, the colour of our star-crossed love.

* * *

_Was it our first date?_

The wind flew around as we sat in one of those pretty open-aired balconies the Order used to have. We shivered at its light frosty touch, watching the soft glimmer of the stars on the sleepy white sea beneath us. It was tremendously cold, even for me, and I cannot imagine even now how much strength it must have cost you to sit outside in such chilly weather. But there was a good side to it.

From our vantage position, moonlight slanted in, illuminating us with all the silvery radiance of her glory. Even the ink-black sides of the aging cliff were lit by the silver beams, with lithe shadows dancing among the silhouettes of winking stars.

You were happy just looking out. I saw your eyes travel over the dark moor, sparkling in their wasted sockets under the reviving wash of moonlight. I could have watched you forever, my eyes feasting in your simple joy, until I noticed you shiver. The cold had gotten at you, and I felt the conquering wind whip about me too.

I took the warm mugs of hot chocolate and handed one to you. You wrapped your thin, translucent fingers about it without a single word, eyes still fixed on the distant horizon where a lone star twinkled, like a crystal of adamant in the pitch black mine.

My eyes remained on your trembling form as you lifted the cup to your pale lips. A sip, and another silence.

"Allen-kun, isn't this pretty?" Your arms swept out, indicating the empty land before us. "It's so empty… do you think the afterlife looks something like this, too?"

"The afterlife… Lenalee, it's too early for you to think about that."

"No, it isn't. I'm aware that I'm dying. I'm living every moment now, taking life one step at a time."

"Lenalee –"

"Shh, Allen-kun. Look. Do you see how the star over there," you pointed at the lone star, "twinkles even though it's really far from the earth? When I'm gone, don't weep for me. You have to defeat the Earl. No matter where I end up, I will always be somewhere close, watching over you."

"Lenalee –"

Your thin finger suddenly rested against my lips. It was only then that I realised that you were deathly cold. I immediately tugged your quilt tighter around you, forcing the warm cup into your freezing hands, again.

"Allen-kun, do you ever wonder how I got the disease?"

I started. It was a silent, tacit agreement between Komui and I to never discuss your illness with you. We feared to plunge you into deeper gloom. I shook my head.

"It happened during one of those missions I went on alone, you know. Toma and I were travelling in Russia when it happened. Some akuma attacked us, and I defeated them, though I did graze my hand when I took a tumble. We were both tired after the attack, so we snuck into a nearby cave to get some rest."

"Uh huh."

"Inside the cave, Toma struck a fire and we were warming ourselves when I heard a moan from the part of the cave that was shrouded in silent darkness. We made our way over, only to discover a man lying on the hard rocky floor, with blood on his tattered clothes."

I nodded.

"I got Toma to bring me some water, and I dressed his wounds for him. As I pulled away the tatters, I saw open sores on his patchy skin. Our doctor here told me that they're called lesions." You gave a heartrending bitter laugh.

I wanted to reach out and hold your hand, but you continued your story.

"My grazed palm came into contact with one of those open sores. I think some of the blood and pus got onto my wound, though I didn't notice until much later. When I did notice, I wiped it off with a bit of cloth and washed my wound with some water, never expecting to catch the disease. Later Toma had a look at him and told me the man was suffering from… from the disease. I was shocked, but I didn't think too much of it, until I noticed the lesions on my own skin a fortnight or two before we went on that mission."

Your eyes were flecked with the hints of tears. Feeling the cold enter my very bones, I reached out painfully and patted your palm before inching your soft thin hand into my own warm, fleshier one. You gave me a watery smile that dragged along a river of emotions. It was then that I realised that _I loved you_.

* * *

"Allen-kun, you are taking Lenalee on her latest mission. The details are in this booklet, and if she comes down with a fever or anything, you are to report back at once, via the Ark."

"Yes, Komui-san."

We left then, on the first of the several missions we took together. I used the Ark to get us to Paris swiftly, and we brought the two finders around as we tried to look for clues of innocence activity. We found no innocence, but we found several akuma that we destroyed together.

Walking on, my eye reacted again. Beside a church, in the alley where stray dogs die and hungry men lie, we came face to face with a level four. The finders tried to help using their trapping devices, but you and I were kept busy for what must have been at least hours. We jumped around, landing kicks and hits whenever possible, duelling with the monster, dancing in the fleeting wind, until at last its skull broke and it melted into a foul-smelling puddle of metallic pieces.

Walking past the church on our way out, we noticed that those inside had not noticed the commotion outside. You said you were tired, so we went in and sat down at one of the back pews to get a short rest. A small wedding was being held inside at that time, and we looked on, curious onlookers that we were, enjoying a slice of the lives of normal humans. It was then that I saw you smile.

It wasn't really the smile you were wont to give; it was one of those tiny affairs that began with a slight lift of the lips, slowly morphing into a sleepy half-crescent. It was a smile that you gave when deep in thought, in appreciation of some point of other.

"Have you ever dreamed of getting married, Lenalee?" I asked, to conceal the loud thump-thump of my heart. Did you notice the tremulous quality of my voice?

"Of course. Which girl hasn't?" You smiled back, the half-crescent gone. "I want a wedding with my brother by my side; giving me away to a man I love."

You gave an uncanny laugh. "But that's not possible anymore now, is it?"

I could only stare at you, unable to speak.

"Shall we go, Allen-kun?"

Lenalee, you might not know this, but I have never forgotten how you smiled that day as you looked on the couple being joined in holy matrimony.

* * *

You were on your way to the third stage of syphilis when I finally made up my mind. Everything seemed to flash past for you – you took the shortest period of time possible to actually enter each new stage. Your regressive progress was fast. The only thing I could think of to comfort my grieving heart was that the faster your health declined, the shorter the period of time you would have to suffer.

I approached Komui first. I knew I wouldn't be able to get you to do it without his approval, and anyway, I thought that he would agree, seeing the way things were.

"Komui-san, I have something to discuss with you." I walked up to him. His eyes were circled with dark shadows that spoke of intermingled grief and insomnia. I had the feeling that Komui was throwing himself into work so that he could keep his mind off your condition.

"Yes, Allen-kun?"

"Can I please have your permission to marry Lenalee?"

He looked at me, dumbfounded. I could guess at his thoughts. On one hand he was struggling with his sister complex; on the other hand, he was greatly moved by my decision to marry you even when your life was flickering out like a candle in its last seconds of glory.

"Why do you want to do such a thing?" He asked me quietly, without a hint of is usual insanity in his eyes.

"Lenalee told me that she would have liked a wedding one day, with you there to give her away. It's a pity for a girl who is dying to not be able to realise her wishes. And you know Lenalee isn't any normal girl; she has been fighting against the darkness for so long now. I think she deserves to get her wish fulfilled."

"Look, Allen-kun, I know you care for her. But if fulfilling her wish is the reason why you want to marry her, then I cannot agree. I love you too, Allen-kun, and I don't want to see you do something like that. Besides, as far as I know, you two will be unable to consummate your union."

"Komui-san, I want to fulfil her wish because I love her."

"I know. I've noticed that… why did you think I've let you get so close to her? But I don't want you hurt, Allen-kun. You're the Destroyer of Time, after all. Who will take the Earl down and help us win the war if you spend all your time grieving for Lenalee?"

"Komui-san, I love her, and I want her to be happy before she dies. I won't neglect my official duties, I promise. And as for the consummation thing, well, it doesn't really matter to me. I'm not marrying her out of lust."

"I see." Your brother leant forward, fixing his glasses which had slid down his nose. "So you say you're willing to wed Lenalee? Without… without the usual trappings of a marriage?"

"Yes."

"If you say so." He turned away from me, staring at the back of his room. When he next spoke, his voice was wispy, like a voice that had been marinated in tears and grief for too long.

"I give you my approval. Treat Lenalee well."

He then waved me out of his room, and I went to town to get the necessary stuff. You must have wondered where I was, gone all day without coming to check in on you like I usually did. I bought a lot of things when I was in town – a floral bouquet, a ring, and of course, enough food to replenish my energy.

When I got back, I made my way to your room. You were surprised to see me, but happy too, I think. You must have missed me, all alone in your quiet room, with sad tears on your lap, wasted body unable to fully enjoy your loving world. I have never been happier than I was at that moment, knowing that I had the power and the ability to make you happy for once.

"Lenalee, how are you feeling? Not too poorly, I hope?" I asked, concerned.

You smiled again; how I hated your resolve to be cheerful around your friends and family! I wanted to share some of your sad burden with you. But I think you finally understood why I rarely shared my own burdens with you then; you could understand the strong negative emotions within, rising to the point of capsizing your little boat, with a strong undercurrent of strength somewhere, though, that kept you buoyant all the same.

"I'm fine", was all you said.

I could see the effort it took you to say these two simple words; your eyes speckled with fresh tears again, and I could have sunk down right there. But I didn't.

I walked to your side, my expression normal and smiling. Kneeling beside you, I took your soft, thin hand in mine. You looked at me, somewhat amazed.

"Lenalee." My left arm, _for the akuma_ , went up to your face, where it brushed your fringe to the side. My other hand tightened around your slowly crumbling palm.

"Lenalee." I released your hand and moved my own to my pocket. From my back I whipped out the bouquet and in my left arm I held a single silver band. "Will you marry me?"

"Allen-kun!" You were startled and speechless. "I –"

"Komui-san has given his permission."

"You asked him already?"

"Yes, Lenalee. Will you marry me?"

"Yes." There was a sudden glimmer in your eyes. Tears starting gathering in my own eyes too, and in that moment, I drew you into a hug. It was by no means our first hug, nor our last one, but it was a moment I will never forget. Holding your thin body to my own, feeling that soft pulse throughout your body, I was overcome.

* * *

_Sitting at the piano, Noise Marie played the wedding march. The seated guests heard a loud sniffling outside the chapel, which soon subsided, giving way to the click-clack of heels and the tap-tap of boots. Into the chapel came Lenalee on Komui's arm, the latter with bloodshot and swollen eyes._

_Everyone watched as Lenalee glided down the aisle on Komui's arm. She looked wonderful; it might have been the wintry sunlight that pooled about her, or it might have been the cosmetics she used, but the thin, dying bride was radiant. She did look a trifle emancipated in her tight-fitting wedding gown, but she was beautiful nonetheless, looking more like the Lenalee of old than she had for a year or so. At the front, near the priest stood one Allen Walker, clad in a new suit. He was beaming, and for once, no one spared a thought on his height or his young age._

_They reached the aisle, and Komui handed Lenalee over to Allen. With another sniffle, he took his seat beside Reever, rubbing at his eyes with his clean cuffs. The priest smiled, and led the two through the wedding rituals._

" _Now I pronounce you man and wife." He finally said._

_At that moment, the whole Black Order rose and clapped, the members throwing their hats and scarves into the gleaming air. More than one eye was watery, and Lenalee herself was tearing at the altar._

* * *

Well, Lenalee, you've gone at long last. And I've defeated the earl, as I should have. The sun has now set, and nothing can be seen from my window but a handful of adamant lights in the dark, eyeless curtains of night. The wind blows though, and I fancy I can smell your fragrance in her autumnal embrace.

I miss you.

Perhaps you miss me, too, but it's hard to tell, really. I'm an old man now, and old men are apt to hallucinations, weaving their own wishes into once-memories. I can't really recall much about the past, except those excerpts that are now my memories.

I cannot ask for confirmation, for many of our comrades of old are in no better state. Kanda has left to where souls go when night falls and the tide shrinks, and Lavi I seldom see now, for he has another post at another organization in another continent. For all I know, it might be another universe. Komui I am loath to upset with talk about you, for he still weeps unabashedly whenever you surface in his mind. Reever has gone I know not where, and the rest of the science department have vanished, decayed, or are declining.

But where I am now, I miss you, that's for sure. The ring; that silver band, still sits on my finger. I twirl it, and it glimmers against the darkness without.

One day, my mortal body will crumble, too, and I will join you in the land where no birds fly. Then we will reunite, and be glad after many hard years of labour and waiting.

* * *

_The tears fell as the old man kissed the ring. The few stars above glittered, as if with crumbling tears, and the wind blew again, snuffing the guttering candle out._

**Author's Note:**

> First posted on FFN in 2010. Not edited. Syphilis may seem like an odd thing to die from, but it was pretty prevalent during the Victorian age. And yes, syphilis can spread through breaks in the skin/mucous membranes, if rarely. 
> 
> The quote in the summary is from Lord Tennyson's In Memoriam A.H.H. 
> 
> This fic was inspired by the poetry of Izumi Shikibu and Ono no Komachi (translated into the English by Jane Hirshfield), especially the following: 
> 
> It seemed the plum trees  
> were already in bloom,  
> but when I picked a branch,  
> what fell – so much like flowers –  
> was snow.
> 
> (and)
> 
> Although the wind  
> blows terribly here,  
> the moonlight also leaks  
> between the roof planks  
> of this ruined house.  
> \- Izumi Shikibu
> 
> (and)
> 
> Should the world of love  
> end in darkness,  
> without our glimpsing  
> that cloud gap  
> where the moon's light fills the sky?  
> \- Ono no Komachi


End file.
